Happy New Years!

And don't drive.

Alberto Is A Babio

Poor Alberto Gonzalez can't find a job. All he did was break the law while he ran the Justice Department and now no one will hire him. Boo hoo.

The Harvard Law School graduate, onetime corporate lawyer and Texas judge also hasn't been able to land a job. He has delivered a few paid speeches, done some mediation work and plans to do some arbitration, but said law firms have been "skittish" about hiring him.

They probably don't want to hire a lawyer who is going to be disbarred and possibly do time. If you think about it, that's actually sort of smart.

"What is it that I did that is so fundamentally wrong, that deserves this kind of response to my service?" he said during an interview Tuesday, offering his most extensive comments since leaving government.

During a lunch meeting two blocks from the White House, where he served under his longtime friend, President George W. Bush, Mr. Gonzales said that "for some reason, I am portrayed as the one who is evil in formulating policies that people disagree with. I consider myself a casualty, one of the many casualties of the war on terror."

There you go. Alberto Gonzales is no different than one of those people who jumped out of the World Trade Center to avoid the flames. I don't know how anyone could argue with that.

Please keep the stories of his suffering coming. Thank you.

Check Out What My Testicles Made

It's a bit creepy. His eyes are fused shut and those ears aren't exactly looking like ears yet, but there he is.

We will call him Thunder Boom Boom Anthony.

Scarborough Gets Hit With A Book

This may be the greatest response to right wing nonsense that I have ever heard.

Riots Prediction

I'm still going with my prediction of riots in September.

A U.S. Army War College report warns an economic crisis in the United States could lead to massive civil unrest and the need to call on the military to restore order.

"Widespread civil violence inside the United States would force the defense establishment to reorient priorities ... to defend basic domestic order and human security," the report said, in case of "unforeseen economic collapse," "pervasive public health emergencies," and "catastrophic natural and human disasters," among other possible crises.

The report also suggests the new (Barack Obama) administration could face a "strategic shock" within the first eight months in office.

Get ready to eat your neighbors.

We Are All Going To Die: Update

Well, this is a genuine scary one. We could actually all die. As a gentleman who received a degree in Earth Sciences, there was always on potential geologic situation that actually made me a little nervous: The Yellowstone Caldera.

The Yellowstone Caldera is basically a supervolcano. It blows every 600,000 years and devastates the United States. It can cover the entire US in 3 feet of ash and toss us into one of the nuclear winter situations. The last eruption was 620,000 years ago.

The eruption of a super volcano "sooner or later" will chill the planet and threaten human civilization, British scientists warned Tuesday.

"An area the size of North America can be devastated, and pronounced deterioration of global climate would be expected for a few years following the eruption," Self said. "They could result in the devastation of world agriculture, severe disruption of food supplies, and mass starvation. These effects could be sufficiently severe to threaten the fabric of civilization."

So, over the past few days, this has been happening.

A swarm of small earthquakes in Yellowstone National Park is the most intense measured there in years, leaving scientists puzzled.

The region is known for such swarms — 1,000 to 2,000 quakes occur annually in the park. Yellowstone's 10,000 geysers and hot springs, including the Old Faithful Geyser, may be the result of this geologic activity.

But the latest shaking is notable for the number of tiny temblors and their intensity, according to a statement yesterday from the University of Utah, where scientists monitor seismic activity in Yellowstone.

A total of more than 250 events large enough to be located have occurred in this swarm.

Uh oh. Prepare to eat your neighbors.

Republicans Throw Support Behind Negro Song Giver

Republicans have decided to continue their descent into total unimportance. Before Christmas, Republican National Committee chairman candidate Chip Saltsman sent out a fun Christmas CD. It contained a bunch of hilarious songs from "conservative satirist Paul Shanklin." Wow, I am salivating. When I hear the words "conservative" and "satirist" together I shit my pants in anticipation.

One of the songs on the album was "Barack the Magic Negro" sung to the tune of "Puff the Magic Dragon." Get it? He took the word "Puff" and replaced it with "Barack." Then he took the word "Dragon" and replaced it with "Negro." Oh, fuck that is good. I've never seen a shitty guitar comic do something like that on a shitty road gig, ever. Never happens. Oh, and "I'm Sitting On The Cock Cause I'm Gay" is a brilliant version of "I'm Sitting On The Dock of the Bay" if you ever get a chance to here a guitar comic. I think they all do that one. But remember, Shanklin is a "satirist."

Anyhoo, Chip Saltsman took a lot of heat for giving out the CD with the Negro song on it. But now Repubicans are circling the nooses around their boy.

“When I heard about the story, I had to figure out what was going on for myself,” said Mark Ellis, the chairman of the Maine Republican Party. “When I found out what this was about I had to ask, ‘Boy, what’s the big deal here?’ because there wasn’t any.”

Word up.

Alabama Republican Committeeman Paul Reynolds said the fact the Saltsman sent him a CD with the song on it “didn’t bother me one bit.”

“Chip probably could have thought it through a bit more, but he was doing everyone a favor by giving us a gift,” he said. “This is just people looking for something to make an issue of.”

Totally.

“I don’t think he intended it as any kind of racial slur. I think he intended it as a humor gift,” Oklahoma GOP Committeewoman Carolyn McClarty added. “I think it was innocently done by Chip.”

Yes. It just sort of contained the word NEGRO, you stupid fucking asshole.

The Republicans will soon only represent the south. And South Boston.

Taking A Christmas Break

I'll be away until the 30th and no one is worthy of being a substitute for me. No one.

Thanks for reading my nonsense.

Merry Christmas From The Border Patrol

Bush Actually Does Something Not Horrible

Well, this was quite unexpected.

Yesterday, Bush signed into law the Worker, Retiree and Employer Recovery Act of 2008 (WRERA), requiring employers to allow employees to roll their retirement plans over to nonspouse partners. The Human Rights Campaign hailed the bill for allowing gay couples to share benefits:

PPA [Pension Protection Act of 2006] made it possible for employers to allow any nonspouse beneficiary of an employee’s retirement plan—including an employee’s same-sex partner—to roll inherited retirement benefits directly to an individual retirement account (IRA) and avoid immediate taxation. WRERA requires that all employers provide this rollover opportunity to nonspouse beneficiaries.

And yet, he's still a complete and total douchebag.

Cartoons Are The Truth

Consider your mind blown.

Super Nervous

Does Tom Cruise kill Hitler?

I can barely take it!

Google Destroys 411

This is pretty nice. I'm sure they'll toss in ads, but information should always have been free.

Here it is.



It's been around for a while, but more people should know about it.

God Damn Poor People Running Amok

Fucking poor people.

Police departments across the country say that shoplifting arrests are 10 percent to 20 percent higher this year than last. The problem is probably even greater than arrest records indicate since shoplifters are often banned from stores rather than arrested.

How dare they! Just take your new position in society and beg.

Thank you.

And remember, no bailout!

New Yorkers Want To Go Full On Stupid

New Yorkers want a princess to be their Senator

Another poll out today shows that Caroline Kennedy remains the favorite for Hillary Clinton's Senate seat, but at the same time there is serious division about whether she should get it.

The new numbers from Quinnipiac: Among all registered voters in New York, 33% say Gov. David Paterson should name Kennedy to the seat, edging out state Atty. Gen. Andrew Cuomo at 29%. Among Democrats only, it's Kennedy 41% to Cuomo 27%. On top of that, New Yorkers expect that Kennedy will get the seat by a 48%-25%.

Her daddy was awesome!

On the other hand, the poll isn't all good news for her: Only 40% of respondents said she is qualified to be a U.S. Senator, with 41% saying she is not.

Well, she can just buy the 41%.

We're All Going To Die: Update

The end is near. Very near.

Home sales declined dramatically last month and housing prices posted their sharpest decline in four decades as a rapidly slowing economy discouraged many potential buyers from tip-toeing into the market.

Sales of existing homes declined 8.6 percent last month, to a seasonally adjusted rate of 4.49 million, according to the National Association of Realtors, a trade association. The median price of a home fell 13 percent in November, to $181,300 from $208,000 a year ago. That was the lowest price since February 2004.

“They’re about as god-awful as they can get,” said Robert Barbera, chief economist at ITG. “This is pretty breathtaking stuff.”

Oh, no, they can get worse. The housing crisis hasn't even begun. ARM and Type A loans won't start to collapse until 2010 - and that situation is worse than the sub-prime mess.



Stop All Monsters predicts riots in the fall of '09.

Creepy Right Wing Guy Breaks Open A New Bag of Creepy

Dennis Prager is a fantastically awful human being. Today, he penned an article about how women should give up their vaginas to their men, whenever the man wants it. Man want fuck. Fuck now.

It is an axiom of contemporary marital life that if a wife is not in the mood, she need not have sex with her husband. Here are some arguments why a woman who loves her husband might want to rethink this axiom.

Oh, yeah. There is no greater turn on than a reluctant woman. Oh, the sweet smell of unenthusiastic sex.

First, women need to recognize how a man understands a wifes [sic] refusal to have sex with him: A husband knows that his wife loves him first and foremost by her willingness to give her body to him.

Hey, I just barfed in my barf!

Every man who is sexually faithful to his wife already engages in daily heroic self-control. He has married knowing he will have to deny his sexual natures desire for variety for the rest of his life.

Unlike the woman, who yearns for her fat, saggy man each and every day.

To ask that he also regularly deny himself sex with the one woman in the world with whom he is permitted sex is asking far too much. Deny him enough times and he may try to fill this need with another woman.

Well, there you go. Dennis is not getting any at home and has decided to project his shit onto the world. He really takes the discussion of sex and marriage to knew levels: Give it up or we'll fuck someone else - probably a dude.

What insane woman wouldn't want this inside her?


Now shut up, and take it.

Best Rioter and Cop Awards Are In

Well, this is exciting. The best rioter and cop from the Greek riots have been selected. Check out the winners!

First up, Best Cop, Officer Alone!


Good stuff. He seems so sad, no?

And finally, Best Rioter, Bangbang Goloposiploulosolsopoloikipus.


Bang Bang! He's fun!

Dude Has An Asshole Party With Words

Matt Barbor writes for the WorldNetDaily, which is a vast collection of people no smarter than monkeys slamming their hands onto keyboards. He also used to the the "director of cultural affairs" for Jerry Falwel, so he is pretty rad. Today, he wrote a piece about the "ancient Canaanite practice of Baal worship" and explained how it relates to liberals.

Ritualistic Baal worship, in sum, looked a little like this: Adults would gather around the altar of Baal. Infants would then be burned alive as a sacrificial offering to the deity. Amid horrific screams and the stench of charred human flesh, congregants -- men and women alike -- would engage in bisexual orgies. The ritual of convenience was intended to produce economic prosperity by prompting Baal to bring rain for the fertility of "mother earth."

The natural consequences of such behavior -- pregnancy and childbirth -- and the associated financial burdens of "unplanned parenthood" were easily offset. One could either choose to engage in homosexual conduct or -- with child sacrifice available on demand -- could simply take part in another fertility ceremony to "terminate" the unwanted child.

Modern liberalism deviates little from its ancient predecessor.

I'd continue with this, but I have to kill my baby, then fuck a lady and a dude, so I can get some rain up in this bitch.

Holy shit are these people stupid.

I Finish Your Christmas Shopping For You

For Mom, Dad, the kids, whoever. All will enjoy the Wonder boner.

Laura Bush Is Boring In Print, Too

Apparently, publishers love memoirs from First Ladies. They usually contain something interesting, like instructions on anal (Nancy Reagan) or slap fights (Lady Bird Johnson). But Laura Bush is bucking the trend.

The reception to Mrs. Bush’s pitch has been mixed so far. “She was not forthcoming about anything that I would consider controversial,” the publisher who met with her said. “We questioned her rigorously, but it was one-word answers. I considered it the worst, or the most frustrating, meeting of its sort that I’ve ever had.”

Well, she's an idiot, so you should expect that sort of thing.

When the publisher who went to the White House was asked what impression of Mrs. Bush’s politics he came away with, he sighed and said, “You got the sense she’s just like him.”

Who would think a born again Christian would be just like her born again Christian husband? I'm shocked.

Even Curtis Sittenfeld, who spent months researching Mrs. Bush’s life story, is conflicted about the hypothetical memoir. “Do you remember after Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston separated, it was more interesting to wonder what Aniston thought than to find out what she thinks?” Sittenfeld said over the phone last week. “Sometimes when people share their thoughts it’s sort of disappointing.”

That's the saddest sentence I have read in quite some time. Hearing what is going on in Laura Bush's head sounds like learning what your dog would say if it could talk. Food, ball, walk.

The Music Industry's Shocking Stupidity Continues

I never stop being amazed at the idiocy of the music business when it comes to the internet. Here's an idea: The more people hear a bands music, the more they will want to buy it. The industry seems to feel the opposite.

Warner Music Group's videos began disappearing from YouTube this weekend, the casualty of a contract impasse between the music company and the Internet's dominant video site.

Warner Music -- home to such acts as Madonna, rapper T.I., Red Hot Chili Peppers and Linkin Park -- issued a brief statement Saturday, saying it was working to find a resolution with YouTube that would return its artists' content to the site.

"Until then, we simply cannot accept terms that fail to appropriately and fairly compensate recording artists, songwriters, labels and publishers for the value they provide," Warner said in the statement.

I can't tell you how many times I've listened ot 30 seconds of a band's song on iTunes and then gone to YouTube to check out more. On YouTube, I can usually hear more of a song and more songs from the band. Often, I will then buy more music from that band. That's what led me to buy 3 Black Keys albums.

So, that won't be happening anymore. Under these rules, I wouldn't have bought albums from The Black Keys, The Republic Tiger, Margot and the Nuclear So and So's, The Cold War Kids, The Wombats and on and on.

Warner Music - doing what they can to prevent their musicians from making money.

White House Enemy Dies

Now this is an interesting story. Last night a gentleman named Mike Connell died in a plane crash. He just happened to be a guy with a lot of information about Rove and company and their possible illegal activities.

Here's the timeline:

Connell sets up "alternate" White House email system.

White House tells Congress it can't provide emails because they were destroyed.

Connell is rumored to have moved files to other servers.

Connell is to be a witness in voter fraud lawsuit over Ohio 2004 Presidential Election results.

Connell begins receiving death threats.

Connell's attorney's tell judge of death threats.

Connell is deposed on Nov 3rd, 2008.

Connell's attorney reports Karl Rove makes threat.

November 19, 2008, Mike Connell's single engine plane crashes in Ohio. He was on his way to Washington DC.

Mike was getting ready to talk. He was frightened.

Here's a fine film that breaks down the election fraud.

So, Did This Guy Like "7 Pounds" Or Not?

Here's just a sentence from the New York Times 7 Pounds review.

Frankly, though, I don’t see how any review could really spoil what may be among the most transcendently, eye-poppingly, call-your-friend-ranting-in-the-middle-of-the-night-just-to-go-over-it-one-more-time crazily awful motion pictures ever made.

That's good, right?

I would tell you to go out and see it for yourself, but you might take that as a recommendation rather than a plea for corroboration. Did I really see what I thought I saw?

I can't believe a movie with a trailer that makes no sense is bad. Shocking.

Finally, Vikings Fighting Aliens

Seems like I've been waiting for this movie my entire life. It's called Outlander and it's vikings vs. aliens. Do you actually need to know more? Fine.

Outlander begins when a space craft crashes into the majestic fjords of ancient Norway and into the time of the Vikings.

Okay, so far this is the greatest film in the history of film. But, you probably need more because you are lame.

From the wreckage emerge two bitter enemies: a soldier from another world - Kainan - and a bloodthirsty creature known as the Moorwen

The fucking Moorwen! Jesus Christ, hide everything! Women, children, trees, baskets, hats, pots, EVERYTHING! THE FUCKING MOORWEN IS HERE!

As the Moorwen ravages the Viking world, killing everything in its path, Kainan forms an unlikely alliance with the primitive but fierce warriors.

I would expect nothing less from Kainan. Dude's got massive honor crammed in his alien pants.

Combining his advanced technology with ancient Iron Age weapons, the hero leads a desperate attempt to kill the monster - before it destroys them all.

Weird, I just had an orgasm.


Outlander just got a January 23rd release date. And so did I.

George Bush Even Looks Dumb In Paintings

Today, George W. Bush unveiled his portrait at the National Portrait Gallery. It's pretty pathetic, to say the least.

Ha ha! He tried to shake his own hand! What a hilarious clown!

Now we have a portrait in the National Portrait Gallery that looks like somebody's uncle. Nice touch keeping the watch in there, too.

Thanks For Taking Your Time Minnesota

Looks like Al Franken is a Senator. The Minneapolis Star Tribune has made the projection.

As of Thursday night, GOP Senator Norm Coleman officially maintains a lead over Democratic challenger Al Franken of just five votes, with 5,861 challenged ballots remaining to be counted.

The Minneapolis Star Tribune, having just wrapped it's own count of the ballots in question, is making a projection: After lengthy deliberations and plenty of nail-biting, Al Franken will become the Democrats' 59th man in the US Senate; the new junior Senator from Minnesota.

First, I feel my money was well spent. Sometimes donations work out.

Second, holy shit, is Bill O'Reilly's vagina going to spew fire tomorrow, or what?

Thanks For Barely Helping

Our government is remarkably lame. Today the Fed set up new rules for out of control credit card companies. Watch out! They are fucking brutal!

Federal regulators on Thursday adopted sweeping new rules for the credit card industry that will shield consumers from increases in interest rates on existing account balances among other changes.

The rules, which take effect in July 2010, will allow credit card companies to raise interest rates only on new credit cards and future purchases or advances, rather than on current balances.

Oh, yeah! 2010 bitches! Suck on that credit card companies! You fucked with the wrong government!

Guy Who Doesn't Believe In Dinosaurs Leaving Senate

This is very disappointing. Neanderthal and two term Senator Sam Brownback will not seek a third term. That's a shame. Having religious extremists in office is really important.

It is widely expected that Brownback, 52, will return to Kansas and run for governor in 2010. However, Brownback declined to say what he would be doing after his term ended.

Please do, Sammy. We need as many one-book-readers in leadership roles as possible.

Obama Opens His First Can Of Asshole

Obama decided on a great plan to show how non-partisan he is, by shoving his boot in the face of the gay community. He asked Pastor Rick Warren to deliver the inaugurual invocation. Rick Warren was one of the leaders heading the charge for Prop 8. He's a class A douchebag, much like the thankfully dead Jerry Falwel.

Now Obama's getting all kinds of gay heat and Warren has responded with a great story about why he is not a gay hater.

Q: Your position has raised the specter that you are homophobic.

WARREN: Hahahah!

Q: Are you homophobic?

WARREN: Of course not. I have always treated them with respect. When they come and wanna talk to me, I talk to ‘em. When the protesters came, we served them water and donuts.

Bro, I gave gay people water and donuts. How in the fuck can I be a homophobe?

Bush Wants Horrible Suggestions

George on life after office.

"It's hard to tell, hard to imagine what it's like to go from 100 miles an hour to 5. I'm going to want to build a policy institute at Southern Methodist, probably write a book. And beyond that, I'm open for suggestions."

I have one: Go fuck yourself. Also, get bent.

The Lispy Hour

Hey, good news! It looks like hate-filled, corrupt, douchebag Rudy Giuliani may be getting his own radio show!

EVERYONE knows Bill O'Reilly is quitting his radio show to concentrate on his Fox News TV program. Now, Page Six has learned the leading candidate to succeed him is Rudy Giuliani. Westwood One, which syndicates the O'Reilly show, is negotiating with the former mayor.

Oh, man. Just think how awesome lispy will be on the radio. Three hours of stupid, each and every day.

Ex-CIA Head Thinks Bush Is A Jew

Well, this may explain some things. It seems George Tenet had a little whiskey pool party a while back and started screaming about "The Jews" in the White House.

From Patrick Tyler's new book, A World of Trouble.

The book’s prologue contains a “whopper of a scene” featuring former CIA director George Tenet “drunk on scotch, flailing about Prince Bandar’s Riyadh pool, screaming about the Bush Administration officials who were just then trying to pin the Iraq WMD fiasco on him.”

According to one witness, he mocked the neoconservatives in the Bush administration and their alignment with the right wing of Israel’s political establishment, referring to them with exasperation as, “the Jews.”

Hey, who hasn't gotten wasted in Prince Bandar's pool and screamed about "The Jews?" It's called a party.

And notice who reported on this little gem.

Atlantic reporter Jeffrey Goldberg

Tenet, you've been double Jewed!

Robert Carlyle Really Needs A New Headshot

I mean, come on..


How is that supposed to get him more work?

CNN Ticker Has Gone To Ticker Heaven

Sad. The incredibly annoying CNN ticker is gone. At 5 am today, it went to meet Jesus.

CNN's headline Ticker, a bottom-of-the-screen fixture since the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, passed away before dawn Monday at the age of 7.

But, but, that's what we used to learn about all the rumors and lies on 9/11. How the fuck are we supposed to be scared without a fucking ticker!

I think the loss of a ticker means America should go to orange alert.

The CNN Ticker is survived by a cousin, identified as the Flipper by CNN Senior Vice President of Current Programming Bart Feder. Cleaner, clearer and more stylish, the Flipper took over after the Ticker was taken off life support Monday at 5 a.m., Chicago time.

YEAHHHHHH! IT'S THE FLIPPER, BITCH! FUCK YOU NON-FEAR!

Get You Depression Pants On

My favorite website on the internet is iTulip. It's one of them financial websites, but they write so idiots like myself can figgur it out. Most importantly, they have been dead on with predictions for quite a while now. Today they commented on the huge sales we are about to see early next year, followed by the horror.

Many retailers, especially discount chains, have already cut prices to cost. Shopping with the wife at a nearby Mall this past weekend we spotted tumbleweeds rolling down the isles of full price, brand name retailers while discounters offered goods Made in China, Indonesia and other lands at absurdly low prices.

The shoppers marveled. They felt rich, no doubt, as they snapped up the well crafted goods using cash and credit earned at an exchange rate value they may not see again for many years, unaware of the ephemeral quality of the precious purchasing power they wield this holiday shopping season in the final act of a 35 year consumption fantasy financed by other peoples' savings.

The spectacle evoked images of ill fated vacationers picking fish up off the exposed sea floor at Bali resort beaches before the tsunami waters rolled back in to drown them, and the story of the young girl who happened to learn about tsunamis in school the week before and, recognizing the danger, talked her family into running for higher ground. I could not help thinking that a year from now many shoppers, blissfully unaware of the economic calamity that awaits them, will wish they’d understood the perversely low prices as a warning of economic trouble ahead and saved their money for later.

The holiday retailer strategy: those left with the least inventory after Christmas live to fight another day. Then the first half of 2009 goes like this.

1. After Christmas sale 20% to 50% off
2. Liquidation sale 50% to 80% off
3. 30% to 40% of retailers go out of business

Advice to readers: take advantage of the early 2009 Great American Fire Sale and go out and buy all the generators, chain saws, washing machines, fine linens, and other durable goods you’re going to need for the next few years because by the end of 2009 most of the inventory may be sold through, many retailers will be shut down, and replenishment of stocks of the survivors will likely be meager; our models say that the goods import supply will decline more precipitously than the supply of money available to pay for them. That spells severe stagflation.

By a barrel and wrap it around your body to protect it from the elements. We are all about to be hobos.

Get The Fuck Out Of The Way Of The Shoe Man

White House spokesidiot Dana Perino was involved in the post shoe throwing scuffle. She got herself a shiner.


Welcome to the big leagues, sister.

I hear you're supposed to put a cold moron on a black eye. I'm sure you can find one.

Dynamite Found In French Store

Some clowns put Dynamite in a popular French department store.

French police found dynamite in a renowned Paris department store today, a bomb scare during the holiday shopping season that was accompanied by an unknown group's demand for the withdrawal of French troops from Afghanistan.

Here's a pic:


Consider me unimpressed. If you want to force people to do something, I'd use one of the Jimmy Walker covers.

Yes, I'm an idiot.

Now It Makes Sense

Sometimes it takes a while to put things together.

America: Worst Guests Ever

According to White House Spokeslady Dana Perino, we are just guests in Iraq.

QUESTION: Why not worry about it? Does it reflect the feelings of the people?

PERINO: I don’t think that you can take one guy throwing his shoe as representative of the people of Iraq.

And I will tell you that Prime Minister Maliki and the journalists who were there in the room, who apologized on behalf of the Iraqis, saying this is not how they would treat a guest. […]

QUESTION: But he wasn’t a guest. We’re occupiers.

PERINO: No, we’re not. We are absolutely a guest.

We are seriously the worst guests in the world. Who goes over to someone's place and causes a million deaths? I mean, besides by DAD. COME ON! HOOOOOOOOO!

My Friends Did Something Funny

Again. This is hilarious.

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis by Between Two Ferns

Directed by Daniel Strange
Produced by Scott Aukerman and BJ Porter
Edited by Caleb Emerson

I Want To Punch Every Face In The Face

That's how I feel after watching Heroes, the most horrible show on television.

Hey, Tim Kring, why don't you pretend like characters should act consistent and slightly like humans? Or, you know, you could go on strike.

Whatever.

Just stop it.

Obama Hates God, Has A Huge Boner For Trees and Shit

Well, Obama clearly has everything backwards.

Obama made his "green team" official: Steven Chu, a physics Nobel laureate, is his new energy secretary. Carol Browner, the former head of the Environmental Protection Agency, is the head of a new policy council to coordinate climate, environment and energy issues. And Lisa Jackson, the chief of staff for New Jersey's governor, is head of the EPA.

"My administration will value science," Obama said, in what sounded like a pointed reference to his predecessor. "We will make decisions based on facts."

Wow. Why don't you just whip it out and pee on the baby Jesus?

Okay God, Go Ahead And Destroy Dubai

Dubai is officially the most heinous place on Earth. Yes, even worse than Scott Stapp's taint.

The world's first refrigerated beach is to be built at a luxury hotel in Dubai so the filthy rich holidaymakers don't burn their feet on the scalding hot sand.

Mother nature, can't fool, blah blah blah. Man's battle with nature always ends in a loss. This will be no different.

The revolutionary beach will sit next to the new Palazzo Versace hotel and will include a system of heat-absorbing pipes built under the sand and giant wind blowers, designed to keep tourists cool in the searing 40-50C heat.

Soheil Abedian, president of Palazzo Versace, said: 'We will suck the heat out of the sand to keep it cool enough to lie on. This is the kind of luxury that top people want.'

A source added: 'The super rich want pure luxury. They don't want to walk on scalding sand.'

I will sit and root for a tsunami.

Well, What Did You Think Would Happen?

He's like the second coming of Allah.

Thousands of Iraqis took to the streets Monday to demand the release of a reporter who threw his shoes at President George W. Bush, as Arabs across many parts of the Middle East hailed the journalist as a hero and praised his insult as a proper send-off to the unpopular U.S. president.

So much for that final PR trip to Iraq, eh?

Well, What Did You Think Would Happen?

The Greatest Moment In The History Of Mankind

One more time...


This is the first time I've ever wanted to be a shoe.

Someone Finally Throws Their Shoes At Bush

I expected this a long time ago, but it finally happened.



Showing the soles of your shoe to someone is a huge insult in Iraq. I would also assume throwing your shoes at someone's head is, too.

Guess who just became Iraqi celebrity #1?

It's Official: God Really Hates Sarah Palin

Wow, how much does God hate Palin and her crazy church?

Lots.

Alaska Gov., her husband and up to 1,000 fellow parishoners will worship in a local school this morning after a suspicious fire virtually destroyed the early Saturday.

The Reverend Larry Kroon said some parishoners we in the church on Nicola Avenue at the time the fire was noticed but no one was injured. Firefighters battled for about eight hours in minus-20 degree temperatures to completely extinguish the blaze that began at the front door.

The baby Jesus burned that shit down. Case closed.

Twilight: A Much Shorter, Better Version

The kids over have Cracked have made another funny - and it's actually not a list this time. It's an "abridged" version of the movie script. Here's a taste.

KRISTEN STEWART

You really are a vampire! Does that mean that garlic, stakes, and sunlight kill you?

ROBERT PATTINSON

Don't be stupid. All of that lore is far too interesting for this movie. Being a vampire just means I get superpowers. It's like being Spider-Man, but sexier. Also, I sparkle in the sunlight.

Me likey.

ROBERT PATTINSON

So, the next generation of young women are currently flocking to see a female lead starring in a movie by a female director based on a bestselling book by a female author, and in this movie the main character wants to become completely submissive and self-sacrificing for a male.

KRISTEN STEWART

I love you. Put a baby in me.

Sorry I missed this turd.

Anal Sex Update

I like to stay up on all the anal sex goings ons outs theres.

ABC has some important news.

One recent graduate of a New England college said one of her classmates was a "hard-core" Catholic who was rumored to have engaged in risky behavior.

"She only had anal sex with her boyfriend until they were married because that technically kept her a virgin," said the 25-year-old who wanted to remain anonymous.

Oh, my!

Indeed, another well-publicized 2005 study using data from the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health found that teenagers who take "virginity pledges" were more likely to engage in oral or anal sex than nonpledging teens and less likely to use condoms once they became sexually active.

They're going to have to change that pledge. Modernize it. Bring in the ass lawyers and have them give it a looksy.

Union Man Bitch Slaps A John

Senator David Vitter of Louisiana has been leading the charge against the auto workers union. The UAW president in Shreveport, Morgan Johnson, broke it down for us.

"I don't know what Sen. Vitter has against GM or the United Auto Workers or the entire domestic auto industry; whatever it is, whatever he thinks we've done, it's time for him to forgive us, just like Sen. Vitter has asked the citizens of Louisiana to forgive him, " said Johnson, president of Local 2166. Otherwise, Johnson said of Vitter, it would appear, "He'd rather pay a prostitute than pay auto workers."

And...scene.

Countdown To Bill O'Reilly Leaving Country Begins

Back in November, Bill O'Reilly want on Fox and Friends and told the world if Al Franken wins, he would move to Ireland.

I woke up this morning, and Bill O'Reilly was on the phone with the Fox & Friends crew, threatening in completely serious tones to move to Ireland if Al Franken prevails in his tight Senate race and joins President Obama in Washington.

Franken received very good news today. "Senator Franken" looks promising.

May I recommend Cork, Bill.

Knee News!

It's not a tear! No serious damage at all. It looks to be irritated somehow, so I will get a cortisone shot.

Let this be a lesson: Don't bend your leg when you are lying on the couch!

Why Unions Are Bad

They allow people to make more money.

You remember that old Soviet-era Russian joke about the guy who was horrified when his neighbor came home one day with a goat? It really bothered him that his neighbor had a goat and he didn’t. After stewing about this for a few weeks he went to the local Party boss and complained. The boss said, “I understand, comrade. I will try to find you a goat.” To which the guy replied, “No, no – I want you to kill my neighbor’s goat.”

That sums up the Republican approach. They want Americans to make less money, like their southern foreign employed workers. Good stuff.

McCain Campaign Manages To Continue Failure

They can't stop losing.

Private information at bargain prices. It was a high-tech flub at the McCain-Palin campaign headquarters in Arlington when Fox 5’s Investigative Reporter Tisha Thompson bought a Blackberry device containing confidential campaign information.

Um, yeah. You might want to erase some of that shit before you sell off your information devices.

God, I wish this had not fallen into the hands of Fox News.

Music Break

You are welcome.

Ocsars Figure Out A Way To Make Show Seem Longer

I do love the idea of the rich parading around and celebrating each other every year, but The Oscars seem to have gone off the rails a bit. How long is the show now? 17 hours? Or does it just seem that way? I haven't watched the show in years. I loathe it. I loathe what it represents.

But I may watch it this year. Mostly because I love a train wreck.

Hugh Jackman will host the 81st annual Oscars, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences confirmed Friday.

Telecast producers Laurence Mark and Bill Condon called the Australian actor "a consummate entertainer and an internationally renowned movie star."

Obviously. I mean, Australia is kicking ass at the box office. Jackman is what is known as "boring." But, apparently he can "dance and sing." So, he's like the Australian Tony Danza. Wonderful.

Man, what could be better than an Oscars without any comedy? Wow, is this going to be long.

Republicans Destroy Their Own Party

Well, the Republicans have done a wonderful job of eliminating their future chances of winning elections. They made the auto workers union the big bad and voted against saving the Big 3 automakers. So, we can write off the following states for Republicans for years to come.

Indiana
Ohio
Michigan
Wisconsin

Minnesota

But, hey, they aren't important to Republicans, right? Right? Hello?

Republicans Are The Dumbest Motherfuckers In All Of Asstown

I think I put enough swearing in the title. Maybe not, though. Tonight, Republicans blocked a bailout of the big 3 automakers. In doing so, they risk the complete destruction of our economy. Job losses are estimated between 3 and 6 million people. That doesn't even include the massive amounts of money the big 3 owe to other companies that won't be paid back. That would mean parts suppliers would fail instantly. Oh, and guess what happens when parts suppliers fail? They liquidate. Yeah. Guess who else the suppliers supply? Toyota, Honda, Nissan and all the other auto companies doing business in the US. No more parts. Good luck building those cars.

When suppliers big and small start failing, the flow of parts to every automaker in the country will be disrupted because as suppliers typically sell their products to both American and foreign brands with plants in the United States.

“There’s no question it will hit Toyota, Honda and Nissan too,” said John Casesa, principal in the auto consulting firm Casesa Shapiro Group.

“Many of the small suppliers will simply liquidate because they don’t have the resources to go reorganize in Chapter 11 bankruptcy,” Mr. Casesa said. “They’ll just go away.”

Oh, and guess who moves out of the country if there is no big 3? Toyota, Honda, Nissan and all the other auto companies. Why? Because they are only here to provide jobs for PR reasons, so Americans will buy their vehicles. That's one of the main reasons they overcame the "buy American" bullshit. With no American built cars, there is no reason to stick around. See ya! Were off to Mexico!

Oh, and Americans who own cars made by the big 3 are fucked. Suddenly parts cost a lot more and the warranties are toast.

Oh, and America will have to pay for a bailout anyway, in unemployment benefits, welfare and arresting and prosecuting all the new people who have to turn to crime to survive. Better than a bailout, though!

Oh, and the Republicans killed the bill because the auto workers union wouldn't cave to their fucked up concessions. Strange, the Republicans didn't ask creditors to make concessions, or dealers, or bond holders, or suppliers. Nope, just the working stiff. You know, the guys who have already made a shitload of concessions.

In its contract last year, the UAW made painful concessions, adopting a two-tier wage structure, such that new employees make just $12 to $15 an hour. The move is projected to bring the American manufacturers in line with their Japanese rivals' non-union labor costs in the near future.

In addition, the union has taken responsibility for providing retiree healthcare, thereby eliminating one of the last remaining competitive disadvantages for the American manufacturers' unionized workforce as compared to their Japanese rivals.

Oh, and these are the same Republicans who fought against wage cuts for CEO's and all other upper management during the Wall Street bailout. So, wage cuts for guys making $20 million a year bad, cuts for a guy making $20 an hour good. Yeah, they are working for Jesus on this one.

Oh, and the money was already set aside for the auto companies. Yeah, it turns out they were just taking money that was set aside to help with environmental upgrades. So, it wasn't as much about giving them money, as shifting it over for another use. Huh. It literally would not have cost us a penny.

Anyway, you should always put your ideology over people starving. It's truly what the Lord would have done.

Unfortunately, it appears this is going to backfire on the douchebags in a big way. The latest word is that Bush will tap into the Wall Street bailout to give the big 3 cash. Hey, Republicans, how does it feel to get fucked over by Bush? Pretty great, huh? If Bush doesn't make this announcement in the morning, the stock market is going into free fall.

There are the same fucks who refused to investigate the missing billions in Iraq, who have been spending like drunks in whiskeytown and who have spent billions and billions on Star Wars, a fake missile program. But now they can't part with 14 billion. Please. This is only about polical power and the unions are their enemy. $876 billion on Iraq, Afghanistan and the war on terror, but spending money on anyone in America is a fucking heinous suggestion.

Anyone who thinks the bailout is a bad idea is borderline retarded. Maybe in the best of times, but not when we are staring a depression in the face.

Holy Shit! I Love The Interrobang!

What the fuck is the interrobang‽ It's a God damn exclamation point combined with a question mark.

‽

Delightful, isn't it? I learned about the little fucker from Grammar Girl. You shouldn't use it in formal writing, but it's perfect for nonsense, like blogs.

Readers, prepare for an onslaught of interrobangs!

Scientists Create Future Robot Weapon For Use Against Us

Do we really need to develop this kind of shit?

Researchers from Japan’s ATR Computational Neuroscience Laboratories have developed new brain analysis technology that can reconstruct the images inside a person’s mind and display them on a computer monitor. That means it won’t be long before you can share your thoughts and dreams with others the way you share your flickr pics. They’ve successfully displayed simple images produced in the human brain on a computer screen.

The device converts electrical signals sent to the visual cortex into images that can be viewed on a computer screen. In the experiment, they showed test subjects the six letters in the word neuron and successfully reconstructed the word on screen by measuring brain activity.

Yeah, I'm sure robots won't use that against us when they finally rebel. Good thinking, idiots.

Living On The Edge

Sorry.

Bush Is Martin Luther King Awesome

Well, the deluded attempt to recreate the Bush White House years has begun. First there was the revelation of the Bush legacy project and now we learn how the Bush library will go.

Construction of the George W. Bush Presidential Library in University Park won't begin for about two years, but visiting dignitaries may start arriving next autumn for events the president and first lady are eager to launch, the head of the Bush foundation said this week.

That's going to be exciting.

Planning for the roughly $300 million presidential facility – which will include a museum, library and policy institute when it opens in summer 2013 – is well under way.

Very much looking forward to the ideas coming out of the Bush policy institute.

The most telling part of this article is this picture of George W. Bush Library foundation president Mark Langdale. Check out what's going on there just to the right.


Why, yes, that is a picture of Martin Luther King with George W. Bush superimposed in front of him. Because they are like two peas in a pod. Sometimes I actually forget they are two different people. Suck on that Kanye West.

Babytown Tantrum Time

The head of NASA doesn't want to share his toys with the new kids.

NASA administrator Mike Griffin is not cooperating with President-elect Barack Obama’s transition team, is obstructing its efforts to get information and has told its leader that she is “not qualified” to judge his rocket program, the Orlando Sentinel has learned.

Waaaaaaa.

In a heated 40-minute conversation last week with Lori Garver, a former NASA associate administrator who heads the space transition team, a red-faced Griffin demanded to speak directly to Obama, according to witnesses.

Right, because he can't talk to a woman as if she is an equal. That's insane!

In addition, Griffin is scripting NASA employees and civilian contractors on what they can tell the transition team and has warned aerospace executives not to criticize the agency’s moon program, sources said.

NOBODY TALKS ABOUT THE FUCKING MOON. Comprede?

Our Future War With Pakistan: Update

More US bombing in Pakistan.

A missile strike, suspected to be from a pilotless U.S. drone, killed seven militants on Thursday in Pakistan's South Waziristan region, seen as an al Qaeda sanctuary, two intelligence officials said.

One of the officials said there may be foreigners among the dead but that he did not know their nationalities.

"The missile hit a house adjacent to a madrasa (Islamic seminary). Seven people are killed," he said.

Oh, good. It was only next door to a Islamic seminary. As long as it's just next door, I'm sure it won't upset too many people.

Just making friends.

The Space Shuttle Is A Bitch

The space shuttle Endeavour had to get from California back to Florida today, so it asked for a ride.

What a lazy bitch. "Oh, I was in space, I'm tired." Fuck you superstar.

It's Like A Death Sentence

You want to be governor of Illinois? Really? Can you handle it, tough guy?

Number of men elected as Illinois governor since 1960: 7

Number who have been charged with criminal conduct: 4

Number who have served time in prison: 3

Number of years served (combined) thus far by three jailed governors: 6

Obviously those numbers are fluid. The last governor is still in prison and the current one is headed there.

Um.

This is...uh....well, the coal companies showing some Christmas spirit.

Go check it out.

It's coal. Singing Christmas carols. About clean coal.

I don't know what's happening anymore.

Time Magazine Goes With Makin' Shit Up

Time magazine has a new story on the Governor of Illinois and Barack Obama. They weren't close, Obama didn't take part in his "pay me for a Senator" plans and has asked him to step down. So, the headline of the Time story was obvious.

Solid reporting, Time Magazine.

Can Time escape their Hitler fanzine history?


Only time will tell....

Torture Playlist Released

The military should really put this out as a Christmas CD. It's the music interrogators play to deprive detainees of sleep.

- “Dirty,” Christina Aguilera

– “Fuck Your God,” Deicide

– “Shoot to Thrill,” AC/DC

– “We are The Champions,” Queen

– “I Love You,” from “Barney and Friends”

– “Born in the USA,” Bruce Springsteen

– “Babylon,” David Gray

– “White America,” Eminem

– “Sesame Street” theme song

I don't know how Babylon by David Gray got in there. Must be for the lady interrogations.

And no Creed? Seriously? Who's running this shit?

Times Are Extra Tough

Craigslist is a horrible website.

I am a female in my mid 60's and I am looking for a room mate. Times are tight and I need some extra money.

I am willing to rent out my bathroom in my 1 bedroom east village home.

My bathroom is large. You can easily put a twin air mattress in there. I only ask that when I need to use the bathroom, you or your air mattress are not in it.

I do ask that when you are in the apartment, you confine yourself to the bathroom. I do not feel comfortable with a stranger walking around my living room. This might change as I get to know you better.
You may have guest over as long as they are cnfined to the bathroom as well. This might seem a bit odd but please remember the rent is $400 and the bathroom is large.

• cats are OK - purrr
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests.

So, can my friends take a dump when they are over?

Something Worse Than Jay Leno at 10 pm

How's the narcissism going?

The star of "The Nanny" wants to go from playing nasally New Yawkers to succeeding Hillary Rodham Clinton in the U.S. Senate.

Publicist Jordan Brown delivered the straight line that Fran Drescher is serious about becoming the next junior senator from New York. Brown cited Drescher's experience as an actress, advocate for women's health and public diplomacy envoy for the U.S. State Department.

Oh, well, if she's an actress....

Could you imagine that voice filibustering? There would be so many suicides.

Joe The Plumber vs. John The Loser McCain

Joe the Plumber has a book coming out, which means he needs to pretend he didn't like John McCain, so he can sell more books. Joe was "appalled" by McCain.

WURZELBACHER: When I was on the bus with him, I asked him a lot of questions about the bailout because most Americans did not want that to happen. Yet he voted for it. … And I asked him some pretty direct questions. Some of the answers you guys are gonna receive — they appalled me, absolutely. I was angry. In fact I wanted to get off the bus after I talked to him.

Wow. Scandalous.

BECK: Really? Now why didn’t you get off the bus?

WURZELBACHER: Um, you know, honestly, because the thought of Barack Obama as president scares me even more.

OH! Or because you were so into your sad fame that you decided to stay on the bus. Or maybe it's all a lie. Not that I think you would do that to sell books, but I noticed you said, "Not to tease you" before you went into your McCain story. "Tease" would be a show business word, Joe. "Tease" would have been something the publisher's PR person, standing just outside the studio, would have said before you went on air. It's not something a plumber would say. You're "teasing" a story because your publisher knew a book about your worldly thoughts wouldn't sell dick, so they squeezed some shitty conflict incident that never happened out of your weak brain.

In reality, Joe, you asked McCain questions and he tolerated your idiocy because his consultants said you were helping. Instead of getting angry or showing disappointment, you kept it all to yourself, like the parasite you are.

Oh, and Joe had this to say about Sarah Palin.

“Sarah Palin is absolutely the real deal."

Fuck yes, she is. To people like you. She is truly the leader of idiots.

Totally Should Not Have Put That Dick In Your Mouth

Poor Larry Craig. Caught trying to get some sweet man sex in an airport bathroom, pleads guilty and now court says, "You already said you did it. Let it go."

Idaho Sen. Larry Craig has lost his latest attempt to withdraw his guilty plea in the Minneapolis airport men's room sex sting that effectively ended his Senate career.

A three-judge panel of the Minnesota Court of Appeals on Tuesday rejected the Republican's bid to toss out his disorderly conduct conviction.

The moral of the story: If you get caught trying to blow a guy in a bathroom, don't admit it.

GM Vice President Rams Head Up Asshole

This is fucking amazing. Today GM Vice Chairman Bob Lutz was on Fox News talking about cars and Americans. Turns out we don't want small ones.

LUTZ: Let me just get one thing straight here: There’s a lot of talk about well, General Motors doesn’t make the right kind of cars or General Motors built trucks too long. At $1.50 per gallon, the American public wants sport utilities and large pickup trucks.

BRIAN KILMEADE: They did. No, they do now. … Look at automotive news and see that the Honda Civic in may sold 57,000 units, in November it was down to 7,000. Same numbers for the Toyota Corolla. The small cars are not selling at $1.50 a gallon.

GRETCHEN CARLSON: And why this issue’s so complicated is that people want to buy trucks and SUVs potentially but they can’t get the credit.

LUTZ: That’s exactly right.

This guy needs to be fired immediately as part of the bail out. Or, punched in the nuts. Either way, I'm good.

NBC Wants People To Watch CBS

Watching the NBC train wreck is fascinating. Just how much failure does it take to get one fired? Silverman and Zucker are still kicking around NBC, after tying the network to the back of a pick up truck and driving it down an isolated road. How bad is NBC? Four words: My Own Worst Enemy. Wait, two words: Knight Rider. Wait, one word: Heroes.

Now they've upped the failure to epic proportions.

NBC will keep Jay Leno five nights a week, but in prime time, competing not with David Letterman, but with shows like “CSI: Miami.”

The network will announce Tuesday that Mr. Leno’s new show will appear at 10 o’clock each weeknight in a format similar to “The Tonight Show,” which he has hosted since 1993.

It's like watching a car crash fall on top of a train wreck. Not only is this the worst idea in the history of television, but it's also NBC's way of kicking Conan O'Brien in the teeth. Worst lead in ever. EVER.

Oh, and the shockingly talentless Jimmy Fallon will replace Conan when he moves to the Leno slot. Jesus fucking Christ.

Bible Is Not Actually Real

What? Yeah, that's what George W. Bush says today. Now. At the end of his run. After using the religious idiots for 12 years. What a bunch of tools.

MCFADDEN: Is it literally true, the Bible?

BUSH: You know. Probably not.

This is when the religious right finds out all George really cares about is scotch.

Were Gonna Need Some New Governor Guys

Well, so much for a new Illinois Senator any time soon. Governor Rod Blagojevich and his Chief of Staff, John Harris, were kinda trying to sell the job. Um. That's not right. At all.

At various times, in exchange for the Senate appointment, Blagojevich discussed obtaining:

o a substantial salary for himself at a either a non-profit foundation or an organization affiliated with labor unions;

o placing his wife on paid corporate boards where he speculated she might garner as much as $150,000 a year;

o promises of campaign funds - including cash up front; and

o a cabinet post or ambassadorship for himself.

Well, it is a really sweet job. You would think it would be worth something.