Pedophile Viewing!

This should be fun.

Michael Jackson’s body will be taken to his Neverland Ranch on Thursday morning for a public viewing on Friday, CNN has learned.

The Jackson family will hold a private memorial service at Neverland on Sunday, the source said.

It was not immediately clear whether Jackson’s body would be interred at Neverland, the Santa Barbara County, California, estate where he lived until soon after his 2005 acquittal on child molestation charges.

Good luck keeping me out of that coffin. I want to snuggle with MJ, big time. The same way he snuggled with so many boys.

Sanford Admits to Fingering

That's the only way this can be interpreted.

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford said Tuesday that he "crossed lines" with a handful of women other than his mistress — but never had sex with them.

Right on, bro.

"This was a whole lot more than a simple affair, this was a love story," Sanford said. "A forbidden one, a tragic one, but a love story at the end of the day."

Could you please stop making this so creepy.

Asshole Decides to Stop Being a Dick

Coleman is a hero.

In a press conference just now, former Sen. Norm Coleman (R-MN) has conceded defeat to the Democratic comedian Franken in the 2008 Senate race -- nearly eight months after Election Day, and six months after the seat went vacant when Coleman's single term had expired. Coleman said that further litigation would damage the state, and congratulated Sen.-elect Franken on his victory. He said his future plans in politics "are a subject for another day."

It's called losing gracefully. Norm is someone all our children can look up to, much like Idi Amin. When I was a very young child, my father sat me down and told me "if you lose, act like you haven't and keep saying it until your opponent goes crazy." It was also a classic Jesus tactic.

Finger on the Pulse

Oh, this guy is good.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad on Monday called the death of Neda Agha-Soltan "suspicious" and urged the country's authorities to identify those responsible for it, Iran's semi-official Fars news agency reported Monday.

You know who could help you find them is that OJ guy.

Congrats!

Stop All Monsters would like to congratulate Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for his big win!

Iran's Guardian Council announced its "final decision" Monday on the disputed June 12 election, declaring that results showing a landslide victory for President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad were accurate.

It was a tough campaign and a bunch of people had to die.

Congrats!

The High Cost of Being a Douche

Oh, Bernie.

Barring extraordinary developments, Bernie Madoff will spend the rest of his life in prison.

The Wall Street swindler has been sentenced to 150 years in prison for swindling investors out of many billions of dollars, reports the AP.

For some reason I don't think he's going to make that.

Oh, Thank God

I was worried he might respect the law.

The Obama administration, fearing a battle with Congress that could stall plans to close Guantanamo, has drafted an executive order that would reassert presidential authority to incarcerate terrorism suspects indefinitely, according to three senior government officials with knowledge of White House deliberations.

Such an order would embrace claims by former president George W. Bush that certain people can be detained without trial for long periods under the laws of war. Obama advisers are concerned that bypassing Congress could place the president on weaker footing before the courts and anger key supporters, the officials said.

Our president doesn't believe in the law. We're safe now.

They Won't Stop

Republicans are continuing with their policy of comparing non-horrible things with horrible things. Today it was Rep. Phil Gingrey of Georgia. He is apparently concerned about clean energy legislation.

GINGREY: Madam speaker, thank you. I rise in opposition to this rule and to the underlying legislation. I’m just not sure to which I’m more opposed. Americans are watching as from Iran to North Korea, the forces of darkness are attempting to silence the forces of democracy and freedom. The irony is on this day, the Democratic process and the nation’s economic freedom are under threat not by some rogue state, but in this very chamber in which we stand. Good people may disagree on the impact or the merits of this bill. But no one can disagree with the fact that the speaker and her rules committee have silenced the opposition.

Totally. There is very little difference between shooting people in the street, beating people to death, using starvation as a tool of control and trying to pass a bill to stop pollution.

King Bullshit

So, Governor Mark Sanford has decided to stick it out and he has an awesome reason for doing so.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching on that front. What I find interesting is the story of David, and the way in which he fell mightily, he fell in very very significant ways. But then picked up the pieces and built from there.

King David. Sanford is now going to carry on because a couple thousand years ago some King threw a hump on a lady named Bathsheba. She became ancient pregnant. And apparently, the King didn't resign, so Sanford won't either.

This is what is known in The Bible as "a stretch."

Next Up: Voting Against a Round Earth

Who knew Arizona were the leaders of complete idiocy?

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The state Senate voted Monday, 19-10, to bar the Department of Environmental Quality from enacting or enforcing any new rules designed to deal with climate change.

Senate Bill 1147 specifically would block the rules adopted by DEQ last year to set emission standards for new vehicles for carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gases. That measure was pushed through by then-Gov. Janet Napolitano over the objections of automobile manufacturers.

It also would halt further work on any sort of "cap and trade" system of greenhouse gases, which would set new limits on emissions from industrial sources such as power plants. Electric utilities have been at the forefront of fighting this proposal, claiming higher costs.

The measure now goes to the Arizona House of Representatives for consideration.

Beyond words. Hopefully they don't start denying air, because it will also be difficult to stop with legislation.

Eventually, This Was Going To Happen

Rush Breaks Down Argentinian Fuck Trip

I had no idea it was Obama's doing. But it was. And it was so obvious.

"This is almost like, 'I don't give a damn, the country's going to Hell in a handbasket, I just want out of here,'" said Limbaugh. "He had just tried to fight the stimulus money coming to South Carolina. He didn't want any part of it. He lost the battle. He said, 'What the Hell. I mean, I'm -- the federal government's taking over -- what the Hell, I want to enjoy life.'"

"The point is," he added, "there are a lot of people whose spirit is just -- they're fed up, saying to Hell with it, I don't even want to fight this anymore, I just want to get away from it."

Totally. Look, everytime I fight a battle and lose, I head to South America for some strange. That's just life. My wife totally understands and I think America should too.

South Carolina Governor Can't Keep Kis Dick on This Continent

South Carolina has admitted to having an affair because he kind of left the state without telling the state for six days.

South Carolina's wandering governor, Mark Sanford, said today he had had an affair with an Argentine woman and that was why he disappeared without telling anyone that he went to South America. "The bottom line is this: I've been unfaithful to my wife," he said. "I've developed a relationship with a dear, dear friend from Argentina.

Nice work. I can't believe it didn't work when you ditched your security, jumped on an airplane and took off to another continent for 6 days. People usually don't notice when the head of a state vanishes.

Drone Needs A Couple Days Off

It's not easy for drones, either. It's not like they get R&R. Everyday, it's the same old, same old. Turn on, fly, drop bomb, come back, start over. It can get tiresome and that's when the mistakes begin.

At least 45 people have died in a missile strike by a US drone aircraft in Pakistan, officials there have said.

Oh, that's not good.

The people killed in South Waziristan region had been attending a funeral for others killed in a US drone strike earlier on Tuesday.

Um. Sorry about our robot plane. He's got a bit of a chip on his shoulder, or wing, or whatever.

How does one say, "My bad" in drone?

Government Ear Muffs

This is a government's version of putting its hands over its ears and screaming really, really loud.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will be sworn in for a second term by the middle of August, the country's parliament announced today.

Why do I feel like that won't go well?

Obama = Hitler, Obviously

It was only a matter of time before someone had the courage to point out the truth: Obama is exactly like Hitler. The Republican Women of Anne Arundel County Maryland sent out an email today explaining the incredible similarities.

Dear Friends:

Obama and Hitler have a great deal in common in my view. Obama and Hitler use the “blitzkrieg” method to overwhelm their enemies. FAST, CARPET BOMBING intent on destruction. Hitler’s blitzkrieg bombing destroyed many European cities – quickly and effectively. Obama is systematically destroying the American economy and with it AMERICA. First the banking/investment industry, next private enterprise (GM and Chrysler) and now HEALTH CARE. And he is working on grabbing more of the American economy with his environmental extremism!

We too CAN fight back. Contact everyone you know. Start a blitzkrieg of our own. Shut down the Capitol switchboards and the White House switchboards! Say NO to the Obamination of Obama Care!

Word. I cannot see even the slightest difference between gassing six million Jews and trying to give everyone in America access to health care. It's like history is repeating itself and we are helpless to stop it.

Now For Something Really Important

I guess something is going on with Perez Hilton. I've never actually seen the guy. Apparently, he was punched in his face by someone in a band.

I guess it's important to a lot of people.

Also, something's going on in Iran.

Turd Rolls Out Of Man's Mouth

Mark Sanford is one of the Republican's leading candidates for president in 2012.

SANFORD: A guy from the northeast did a study on generational accounting. Generational accounting says what is the imputed tax for a young person born in America today? And remarkably, that number is 82, which at all ain’t that far from a thing called slavery. If you’re giving away 82% of every dollar you earn every day and every week and every month, A, it’s not a good deal, B, it collapses the capitalistic system because nobody has any initiative to work at that point, and C, it really isn’t that far from slavery.

Totally. Paying high taxes and receiving the benefits provided by the government is exactly like being owned by another human, who can rape you and piss in your face if he wants to, which is similar to having free health care. Just ask those people who have the best living standard on Earth in Sweden.

This is the best Republicans can do.

Sweet.

Cripples Need To Speed It Up

GOP Senator Bob Corker had a meeting scheduled with Supreme Court nominee Judge Sonia Sotomayor last week. But she was late. And by late, I mean 10 fucking minutes. That is like spitting in Bob Corker's face and then rubbing your cock on it (It's offensive). So, Bob bailed. He wasn't going to sit around and wait for some disrespecting brown lady.

"I decided to proceed on to the next meeting," he said.

Hellz yeah. Screw her.

There’s Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor, of course, whose broken ankle is forcing her to hobble on crutches while she visits Senate offices.

People with broken limbs are rude.

Whitardation

God bless our English only, white supremicist, anti-brown friends, for they are borderline retarded.

This weekend, popular racist Pat Buchanan held a conference to discuss how Republicans can get back on top. At one point, they discussed the subject of how to get more English up in this bitch. One panelist even said if we didn't have an "English only" initiative, Obama would force us to speak Spanish. Because that's how he roll.

Yet, the entire time, the banner above their heads was mocking them.


In English, conference is spelled "conference," not conferenece. In Spanish, it would be congrese. Idiot is the same in both languages, as far as I know.

Son of a Bitch

I don't know who created this picture, but they deserve the death penalty.

Can We Please Get Rid of Oklahoma Now?

If the states Senators are any indication, there is no reason to keep Oklahoma. Let's give it to Mexico.

Sen. Tom Coburn (R-OK) has now signed up with the Birther cause -- the people who think Barack Obama isn't a natural-born citizen and should be required to produce a birth certificate (which he already did, anyway).

Coburn has now voiced his support for a bill offered by Rep. Bill Posey (R-FL) and five House co-sponsors so far. "The bill requires any federal candidates' campaign committee filing with the Federal Election Commission to produce a copy of the candidate's birth certificate," wrote Coburn. "If the bill makes it to the Senate, I will likely support it."

That's because you're clinically retarded.

I Promise To Rape You Electronically Forever

Probably not a good idea to marry one of those NSA type fellas.

“It sounded like, from the former NSA analyst that we interviewed, that it was rare to access the emails of celebrities or famous people,” Risen stated, “but that it was fairly routine, according to him, for people to access the emails of girlfriends or wives or other people that they might know.”

DID YOU THINK I WOULDN'T KNOW?

Health Cops Are A Knockin'

The future of healthcare in this country involves health cops pounding on your door because you didn't have an annual rectal. That's according to RNC captain Michael Steele.

STEELE: Well you’ll get issued, Doc, you’re gonna issue, to your patients, a health care card that’s gonna be part of a national ID system that, you know, every time I charge something or use that card, it’s going to show up on a grid what I’ve done and what I have failed to do, according to the government plan. So the government will know whether or not I’ve had my physical at the appropriate time and then probably some health police will come knocking on my door telling me I’m now costing the system money because I haven’t, you know, gone and done my preventive care.

Valid point. I don't see how anyone could possibly poke a hole in it.

President Pastry

This is sad news. It looks like Iranians think our president is a tasty pastry.

DATELINE: What is the best way to approach this? … President Obama though says that we don’t want to take sides too publicly because then the ruling regime there could use us as the straw man to beat back this public uprising. How do you read this?

SENATOR ROHRABACHER: Well I think that Mr. Obama, if he continues to have these types of attitudes, we’re going to see things get very bad, very quickly. Already the North Koreans have challenged him and realized that he’s a cream puff, if that is what he is indeed going to be as a President.

Um. Hey, bro, when tough guy was in charge, North Korea became a nuclear power. They actually started blowing up nuclear bombs and shit. So, you know, you kind of look like a tool. That being said, I would actually love it if we voted an actual cream puff to be president.

ROHRABACHER: Now if the Mullahs in Iran are permitted to just roll over opposition something like Tienanmen square, we will have missed a great opportunity.

Totally. Because the Mullahs know creating a bunch of martyrs will be in there best interest. Oh, and WE DON'T HAVE ANY PROOF THAT THE ELECTION WAS STOLEN. Oh, and THERE'S NOTHING WE CAN DO. Oh, and THE REASON THE MULLAHS ARE IN CHARGE IS BECAUSE WE MEDDLED IN IRAN YEARS AGO.

Other than that, good points Rohrabacher. Now, go pick up a history book.

How To Tell a Senator To Shut The Fuck Up

Today, angry Republican and ranking member of the Senate Judiciary Committee, Jeff Sessions, attempted to scold Attorney General Eric Holder. Sessions is upset because Holder released Bush's torture memos. He got a carefully worded "Go fuck yourself" response.

SESSIONS: Well it was disapproved by your predecessor, Judge Mukasey, and Mr. Hayden, the CIA, um, DIA director. They didn’t approve of that at all. … You were willing to release matters that the DNI and the Attorney General believe were damaging to our national security.

HOLDER: Well, one attorney general thought that. I am the Attorney General of the United States, and it is this attorney general’s view that the release of that information was appropriate, as well as the president of the United States.

Holder got it all in there, except he left out the "Bitch."

They Won't Give Us Our Money

I don't know who these countries think the are, but this is ridiculous.

Today, the Treasury Department reported a plunge in foreign purchases of long-term U.S. government debt. It fell to $11 billion in April, from $55 billion the month before. Three of America's biggest creditors -- that'd be China, Japan and Russia -- all cut back on their holdings of U.S. debt. And our senior business correspondent Bob Moon reports they are not the only ones getting anxious over the exploding U.S. deficit.

Listen, Chijanussia, just shut your pie hole and give us our money. If you don't, well just make a bunch of it. From paper. In our money factory.

Jerks.

Holy Shit

Am I having fun on the Sarah Palin Facebook page.

It's a delightful time.

Apparently They Were Not Pleased

How Iran works. Lesson one: Don't start shit.

11am:
The man who leaked the real election results from the Interior Ministry - the ones showing Ahmadinejad coming third - was killed in a suspicious car accident, according to unconfirmed reports, writes Saeed Kamali Dehghan in Tehran.

Mohammad Asgari, who was responsible for the security of the IT network in Iran's interior ministry, was killed yesterday in Tehran.

Asgari had reportedly leaked results that showed the elections were rigged by government use of new software to alter the votes from the provinces.

Asgari was said to have leaked information that showed Mousavi had won almost 19 million votes, and should therefore be president.

I hope he died believing it was worth it.

GOP Twittering is Delightful

Rep. Pete Hoekstra totally gets what is going on in Iran. He also knows how to Twitter.

Iranian twitter activity similar to what we did in House last year when Republicans were shut down in the House.

Word. It's basically like you are in Iran now.

GOP Twittering Is Delicious

They can't help constantly writing the most horrible and stupid statements. Today, it was Republican Rep. John Culberson. He's from Texas! You can see from his picture that he is very intelligent!

"Good to see Iranian people move mountains w/ social media, shining sunlight on their repressive govt - Texans support their bid for freedom."

Totally. Texans are super into the freedom of people they want to bomb. And the Culb wasn't done.

"Oppressed minorities includeHouseRepubs: We are using social media to expose repression such as last night's D clampdown shutting off amends"

Totally. You really, really get it, Culber.

I also understand the Iranian oppression because my mommy wouldn't let me eat hot dogs last night.

Um. No.

Nice try, but I still think it's weird.

The Northern California cloning firm BioArts International is holding a news conference today to announce that it has cloned a dog that helped searched for victims in the rubble of New York's World Trade Center after 9/11. A retired Canadian police officer, who now lives in Los Angeles, won a contest sponsored by BioArts explaining why his rescue dog, Trakr, should be cloned. He was presented with the five cloned puppies a few days ago.

I can see the meeting.

Guy: Hey, let's clone dogs.

Guy: People are going to think it's weird and a bit creepy.

Guy: Let's clone a hero dog!

Guy: I didn't know there were hero dogs AND I love it!

And no, still creepy.

I'm sorry that wasn't funny. I'm tired.

Get A Life

Fucking hippies.

Keep On Sucking

Obama is turning out to be a profoundly disappointing president.

MSNBC reports that the Secret Service has denied the news outlet's request for the names of visitors to the White House since President Obama was sworn in. It also denied a narrower request by the good-government group Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington for records of visits by coal executives.

The Obama administration -- which had promised to usher in a new era of transparency -- argues that the visitor logs are presidential records, and therefore not subject to the Freedom of Information Act. A spokesman told MSNBC.com that the White House needs to be able to hold secret meetings in certain cases "such as an elected official interviewing for an administration position or an ambassador coming for a discussion on issues that would affect international negotiations."

But these are the same arguments made by the Bush administration -- and twice rejected by a federal judge.

Yay! We have a Constitutional lawyer in the White House! The one we own. The one he lives in.

Then Throw in Some Snakes....

I couldn't figure out what Iraq was missing. It's got rampant disease and infection, war, horrible heat....but it was missing something. Snakes! A plague of snakes!

Swarms of snakes are attacking people and cattle in southern Iraq as the Euphrates and Tigris rivers dry up and the reptiles lose their natural habitat among the reed beds.

"People are terrified and are leaving their homes," says Jabar Mustafa, a medical administrator, who works in a hospital in the southern province of Dhi Qar. "We knew these snakes before, but now they are coming in huge numbers. They are attacking buffalo and cattle as well as people." Doctors in the area say six people have been killed and 13 poisoned.

The birthplace of modern agriculture is now the birthplace of snakes. Good luck with that. Tonight I'm going to watch an episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, so my life ain't great either.

Get Your Neo-Nazi On!

You know what's a great idea? Taking white supremicists, giving them weapons and sending them to fight wars in countries full of not white people. I don't know what could go wrong.

The US military has effectively adopted a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy concerning white supremacists and neo-Nazis in an effort to bolster recruiting and retention, an article published Monday says.

Hmmm. I wonder if that will work out.

“Some neo-Nazis have been charged with crimes inside the military, and others have been linked to recruitment efforts for the white right,” Kennard writes. “Many white supremacists join the Army to secure training for, as they see it, a future domestic race war. Others claim to be shooting Iraqis not to pursue the military’s strategic goals but because killing ‘hajjis’ is their duty as white militants.”

Nope.

Although, I do hope there is a gay neo-Nazi in the Army somewhere, breaking every barrier there is.

Supreme Court Nominee Comes Up With Master Plan

Judge Sonia Sotomayor is a genius. After taking a lot of flack from rich, privileged, racist, white guys for being racist, she came up with a plan to fly through her nomination hearings: She crippled herself.

"She's only wearing that fake cast to help her rack up votes," Mr. Gingrich said. "The minute she's confirmed, she'll whip it off and start dancing a jig."

While Ms. Sotomayor reportedly broke her ankle while rushing to catch a plane, the former House Speaker said, "The fake-ankle-cast thing is the oldest trick in the book."

In-fucking-deed. The first guy to try to "fake-ankle-cast thing" was Judas. Jesus did not buy that shit and neither will the Senate.

"Ms. Sotomayor needs to brush up on her law," he said. "Last time I checked, empathy was unconstitutional."

Shit yeah. Understanding another person's thoughts and feelings is BIG TIME unconstitutional. As a matter of fact, IT'S FUCKING ILLEGAL.

Jew Owned Obama Getting It From All Sides

It's rough being a president controlled by Jews. They come at you from all angles. Yesterday, Rev. Jeremiah Wright broke it down.

"Them Jews ain't going to let him talk to me. I told my baby daughter that he'll talk to me in five years when he's a lame duck, or in eight years when he's out of office," Wright told the Daily Press of Newport News following a Tuesday night sermon at the 95th annual Hampton University Ministers' Conference.

"They will not let him to talk to somebody who calls a spade what it is. ... I said from the beginning: He's a politician; I'm a pastor. He's got to do what politicians do."

Right on. And Wright has a buddy who agrees: James von Brunn, the Holocaust Museum shooter.

Obama was created by Jews. Obama does what his Jew owners tell him to do.

You guys should seriously think about going on tour together once the Brunnster gets out of the hospital. And even if that never happens, it nice to see people from opposite ends of the spectrum come together over their crazy Jew fear.

I'm So Excited I Might Get A Third Term Abortion

This is very good news.

A Nebraska doctor said Wednesday that he will perform third-term abortions in Kansas after the slaying of abortion provider George Tiller, but would not say whether he will open a new facility or offer the procedure at an existing practice.

Dr. LeRoy Carhart declined to discuss his plans in detail during a telephone interview with The Associated Press, but insisted "there will be a place in Kansas for the later second- and the medically indicated third-trimester patients very soon."

It's nice when the terrorists don't win. And I vow to get a third-term abortion when he opens as a sign of support. He'll yank it right out of my penis.

Republicans Are Super Flexible

The Republicans have produced a delightful energy plan for the country. It's realistic and forward thinking.


A sign of great leadership is the willful denial of overwhelming scientific evidence. Also, shitting in your own mouth is equally impressive.

Utardation

Ah, Republicans. Why are you so stupid?

Today, Orrin Hatch sent out a press release denouncing Obama's health care plan.

HATCH AND REPUBLICAN FINANCE COMMITTEE MEMBERS IMPLORE OBAMA: NO GOVERNMENT-RUN HEALTHCARE PLAN

And these idiots signed on with the Utah idiot.

Senator Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa)
Senator Jon Kyl (R-Ariz.)
Senator Jim Bunning (R-Ky.)
Senator Mike Crapo (R-Idaho)
Senator Pat Roberts (R-Kan.)
Senator John Ensign (R-Nev.)
Senator Mike Enzi (R-Wyo.)
Senator John Cornyn (R-Texas)

Cool. So, no government health care. At all.

I can't wait to see the details of the bill they will introduce to get the government out of the healthcare business. No Medicare. No Medicaid. No WIC. No support for clinics in rural areas. No VA hospitals. No military hospitals. And certainly no support for foreign hospitals and medical programs.

That would get rid of the old voters and the veteran voters. By they are finsihed they should be down to Larry.

Do Not Step Into A Slim Jim

Slim Jim factory explosion.

Officials now say only two people are unaccounted for after an explosion at a Slim Jim meat products plant in North Carolina.

They made the ultimate sacrifice for their country.

Heroes.

Consider My Mind Blown

My world was just turned upside down.

“I don’t think it should be a surprise for anyone to hear that I’m gay,” Adam Lambert says in the new issue of Rolling Stone.

I'm confused, scared, angry. What's next? Are bald eagles going to be gay?

I don't understand what is happening to America.

Super Bad Idea

Apparently, Obama has a plan for terrorists that is not so smart.

"This is the first step in the Democrats’ plan to import terrorists into America," Boehner said in a statement. "Without a plan to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay, the Administration has made the decision to begin transferring these terrorists into the United States, in spite of the overwhelming opposition of the American people and serious questions from Members of Congress of both parties.

Fuck me. Importing terrorists is not what I voted for!

And it's really dumb.

Afghani Gets All Truthful

Uh oh. Some crazy shit was leaked out of the Afghanistan embassy. Turns out the Ambassador to the United States asked his government for money to lobby Congress.

Afghanistan and the United States are facing many threats that must be addressed based on the US-Afghan Strategic Partnership. The Obama Administration is as much committed to the stabilization of Afghanistan as it deems US domestic issues including a receding economy as its major priorities. This mixed picture provides Afghanistan with many opportunities on the short term, particularly in capitalizing on the still goodwill of the American people and the bi-partisan support for Afghanistan. To translate the existing US support into effective packages of assistance to Afghanistan, we need to give serious consideration to allocating financial resources on an annual basis so that—like Pakistan and India and so many other countries—we are also able to effect pro-Afghanistan policy and legislation in Washington.

And someone thought it was worthy of a headline. Wouldn't not asking for money to lobby our whores in Washington be more worthy of a headline? They'd make the anus our national bird for the right amount.

Conservatives Come Full Circle

Remember the good old days when conservatives would only buy American made products? Um, yeah.

The Detroit Bureau reports that an idea seems to be picking up some cachet on the right-wing blogs and in talk radio: Fighting the "Government Motors" bailout by boycotting the company. Most of it so far is limited to relatively little-known writers, but two big names have picked up on it: Hugh Hewitt, who wants to save free enterprise -- and Rush Limbaugh, who wants anything President Obama does to fail, and is urging his listeners to help push towards that goal.

Clearly the best thing for the country would be for the world's largest producer of automobiles to fail, ending the jobs of 10 million Americans. If the government is involved in anything, we should boycott it.

Boycott the roads! And the fire department! Let it burn!

Some Democrats Wake Up And Look Around

Well, good morning sleepy Democrats! How long have you been napping? It seems some House Democrats are upset that Harry Reid is "caving in" to the GOP.

Some House Democrats I talked to … accuse Reid and his lieutenants of repeatedly placating Republicans to avoid a filibuster, rather than taking a stand on principle now and then. Why not force centrist Democrats to vote against their party and let Republicans filibuster the agenda on national television? What would the voters think then?

Really? If this the first time you've watched Harry Reid?

Thanks for taking the time out of your day to get upset about something that has been going on since 2005. Now, excuse me, because I have to go get angry about this new "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy.

Kung Fucked.

The Carradine mystery unravels. We all know there is no way an actor would jerk off with a cord wrapped around his genitals and neck. Actors are really well put together people and they don't have issues. At all.

So, the answer can only be one thing: Mysterious underground Kung Fu murder.

A secret sect of kung fu assassins could have silenced actor David Carradine as he delved into their shadowy activities, according to his family's lawyer.

Totally. The family certainly would gladly accept that David jerk off'd himself in a closet, but

The lawyer said the actor's family refuses to believe he died in a sadomasochistic sex stunt gone wrong -- despite his being found naked with a rope tied around his neck, wrists and genitals.

Look, just because a guy has a rope tied round his neck, wrists and genitals, that doesn't mean that's what killed him. Obviously, it's a genitals frame job, which is very common in Hong Kong. Or should I say, Hung Kong. You know what I'm sayin'?

You Can Finally Get Drunk Safely

This has been a long time coming and I finally feel like I can go to bars again.

Handguns will soon be allowed in bars and restaurants in Tennessee under a new law passed by state legislators who voted to override the governor's veto.

I don't know what could possibly go wrong.

The legislation that takes effect July 14 retains an existing ban on consuming alcohol while carrying a handgun, and restaurant owners can still opt to ban weapons from their establishments.

It's for people who go into bars for the sandwiches.

Thirty-seven other states have similar laws.

Nothing to brag about, actually.

Executioner Upset About Being Labeled A Criminal

Poor son of a bitch.

The man charged in the slaying of late-term abortion provider George Tiller says he's "being treated as a criminal" even though he hasn't been convicted of anything.

"I haven't been convicted of anything and I am being treated as a criminal," he said in a telephone conversation that lasted about three minutes. When asked by the AP to discuss the Tiller shooting, Roeder, 51, Merriam, Kan., refused to comment, saying he would talk about that later.

Don't "label" me. It's not the American way. The American way is to execute someone for committing a non-existent crime. Just because I shot a guy in the head in a church in front of a bunch of people after stalking him for years, doesn't mean you get to toss around labels, like "Criminal."

I'll talk about the thing where I shot the guy in the church after we get past this serious issue of you labeling me.

Let It Go, You Lunatic

Remember 2005? Who wants to let those days go?

Cindy Sheehan, who gave the Bush-era's peace movement a proper kick-off by camping out in a ditch down the street from the former president's ranch after her son died in Iraq, is still honing her protest craft.

Because really, to her, the Bush administration will never truly end until its key players are prosecuted.

On Monday, June 8, Cindy and friends will march on former President Bush's new home in the well-to-do Dallas suburb of Preston Hollow.

She's still going to be at it in 20 years, like the hippies in the Haight-Ashbury. They're still there, loving peace and shit. Expect Cindy to protest in Texas until she dies.

We're Finally Tasing The Elderly

It's about fucking time.

A traffic stop for speeding in a construction zone led to the tasering of a 72-year old great-grandmother by a Texas deputy. Kathryn Winkfein, 72, of Granite Schoals, Texas was then handcuffed, and taken away to jail for resisting arrest and detention.

Shut it and shake it, Grandma. Now get your drooling ass off the road.

Winkfein showed FOX 7 her taser scars.

"Here and here. Two places, side by side. It's unreal. It's like an electric shock," she said.

"I wasn't argumentative, I was not combative. This is a lie. All of this is a lie, pulled away from him I did not," she said, reading the arrest affidavit.

SHUT IT! Old ladies are sooooo hard for trained cops to handle.

Please Stop With This Treating Everyone Equal Nonsense

Obama gave a speech today in Egypt about the Middle East and the problems they are facing. He pretty much called out everyone on their bullshit. And that's a big no no, according to American dipshits.

Fleischer bluntly told [CBS's Mark] Knoller, “bottom line — the speech was balanced and that was what was wrong with it. American policy should not be balanced. It should side with those who fight terror.” [...]

Seriously, enough. We're America. We have been treating everyone differently for a couple of centuries.

Nooooooooo!

DON'T GIVE THEM THE MAGIC NECKLACE!!!!!!!!

By The Way...

The real financial meltdown hasn't even hit yet.

Wells Fargo is going down.

ARM and Type A loans are going to hit the shit fan later this summer. Rich people's houses. Turns out there's more fake money wrapped up in that nonsense that all those subprime poor people loans.

Cheese Finally Has It's Own Country

Oh, my. Go cheese!

So little is known about Kim Jong-un—the youngest son and reportedly the named successor of North Korean leader Kim Jong-il—that even his date of birth is uncertain: no-one is really sure whether he was born in 1983 or 1984.

But it is known that the third Kim, like his two elder brothers, was sent to school in Switzerland. Kim Jong-un attended Berne’s international school, where, it is rumoured, he joined school skiing outings, and was something of a peacemaker in playground disputes…

North Korean agricultural specialists regularly spend time here studying the Swiss art of making cheese and yoghurt, which Kim Jong-il is said to love.

In the near future, North Korea is going to be all about cheese! (That's my prediction)

Could He Be Gayer?

Let's just all agree this is beyond horrible and try to move on with our lives.