Feb 15, 2010

AFR

It’s been six months and some change since the last Asshole Fuckface Roundup made it’s way onto the Suicide Girls website. And here we are, staring another one in the face. My God, what happened over those six months? How many Asshole Fuckfaces ran about committing heinous acts? What have I done? They will now fear me again because the Roundup is back. So, let’s take a look at some recent Asshole Fuckfaces, shall we?

Let’s start with some down under Fuckfacing.

The good folks at All Hallows Parish Church in Sydney thought they had a terrific priest on their hands when Father Richard Abourjaily was ordained last year. They loved him!

His enthusiasm won over the young people at All Hallows. He still features prominently on the Youth Alive Facebook page as "the one and only Fr Rich … he is busy promoting World Youth Day among us and is really cool."

So cool. But then the cancer came.

Distressed parishioners rallied to support Father Abourjaily when they heard he had prostate cancer and was looking for a religious miracle to beat the illness.

Damn. Just another poor 29-year-old guy with prostate cancer. Thankfully, his flock rallied to help him. They gave donations to pay for his trip to France for a miracle cure. France. Where they make wine and shit. And he was cured! Mostly because he never had cancer!

Distressed parishioners rallied to support Father Abourjaily when they heard he had prostate cancer and was looking for a religious miracle to beat the illness.

Mrs Biazzo said: "It was a bit of a shock to me that he wasn't really that ill at all. Everyone was a little bit upset when they found he was lying."

Did I say “prostate cancer?” I meant “prancer.” My bad.

All Hallows parish priest Father Bob Hayes broke the news of Father Abourjaily's deception at Sunday Mass a few weeks ago and apologized to the congregation.

And…uh….don’t forget to donate this week. Oh, and don’t fuck Father Aboujaily.

Privately, he has confided that the prostate cancer rumor snowballed because he was too embarrassed to admit he had a prostate problem that could be mistakenly linked to a sexually transmitted disease.

Yeah. Um. Not helping.

Next up, some cop fuckfacery.

Joshua Gines is a rare breed of Washington state cop. He always tells the truth, no matter what the situation is. Grines was looking to switch from the Bingen-White Salmon police force to the Skamania County Sheriff’s Department. Then came the written interview.

"have you committed any sexual crime with a child who is under the age of 18 years?"

“Yes.”

I meant “no.” Wait. Can I take it again? Hello? I wasn’t thinking when I WROTE “yes.” When I WROTE IT. ON A PIECE OF PAPER. FOR THE SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT.

A Bingen-White Salmon, Wash., Police Officer appeared in Skamania County Superior Court on Monday on accusations of first-degree child molestation.


Officer Joshua Gines, a three-year veteran with the force, was arrested Friday after an investigation.

May I please have that piece of paper back? Please.

Finally, some insane conservative Fuckfacery.

When having a conversation about what Ronald Reagan would have thought about Sarah Palin, it’s best to go to those who know him best: His son and a crazy, right-wing blogger.

Reagan: Well, indeed, and I think we do have to pay attention to her, unfortunately -- it's sad that we have to pay attention to her, because she's totally unqualified for high office. Yet --

Geller: Your father would love her. Your father would love her.

She knows this because she spent so much time not with Ronald Reagan.

Behar: Ron, Ron -- no, I want to hear from Ron. Why would your father not like this woman?

Reagan: Because she doesn't have a thought in her head. That's why.

Geller: That's what they said about your father.

That’s not really a great comparison to use.

Reagan: My father knew what he stood for, you can agree with it or disagree with it, he knew how -- what he stood for, he could explain what he stood for. He was conversant in domestic and foreign policy -- she's neither! She can't explain where she stands on anything!

Geller: Your father would love her, and frankly I don't think you can speak for your father, because you -- you don't even espouse --

You are only spawn. I am blogger!

Reagan: Is Pam still blathering about me and my father? Oh, you are. You still haven't met him, though, right? You still didn't know him, so you're just sort of making things up as you go along, right?

Geller: You never met him either. You know, you never met him either. Do you think you're making your father proud? Do you really think you're making your father proud?

Seriously. You never met him AND he’s not proud of you. Think about it while I go and rub my naked body on his tomb.

8 comments:

jason said...

yay. asshole fuckface roundup. i've missed that on suicide girls.

Phillip said...

Want to show my love for the roundup. Thank you for bringing it back and I hope to see it around for a while to come.

Protoclown said...

FUCK YES THE ROUNDUP IS BACK

Anonymous said...

AFR was the only reason I visited the SG website after I stopped paying it to look at the naked girls. Glad to see you're getting back into the habit.

André said...

hell yeah!!!

thank you for listening to our prayers oh lord.

sexually transmited prostate disiese?? can´t really think of one..unless your prostate is being hammered by a bibg black meat rod on a daily basis.
anywho.. that police oficer will be able to atest to that in a short while

James said...

Yes, I'm so happy that the asshole fuckface round-up is back up. It's one of my favorite weekly reads.

Eric said...

Bravo!

pagnaet said...

If I had any hair left, the blatant hypocrisy of Palin-ites would have me pulling it out with tweezers. Luckily, I have time in the Army and a veteran card to prove I'm a "real American." Viva la AFR!